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Dissolution

by caatgirl

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1.
DID 02:34
Casually I drift and wander farther from the sun perfectly positioned past the end of human sight after passing Pluto I've decided that I'm done drift into the absence of the tiniest of lights Easily I watch the sordid ship perform its task trying to awaken something sleeping in my heart recently I've wished that I had access to my past I would try to get it if I knew where I could start I have got a plethora of people in my brain I have got a past that would drive anyone insane I have got a present full of doubt and full of fear I know that a better future's getting really near
2.
Alien uncertainty abominable life at the end it hurts to see that toxic is my type All I want is safety: peace and rest and joy and love All I need's a sanctuary all I get is blood If I am a demon If I am a saint the world is undecided - very patiently I wait. If I am a human If I am a freak If I'm welcome in this world or If I shouldn't speak If I am a stalker If I am a perv If I've only gotten every- thing that I deserve If I am an animal If I am a man If I should be celebrated If I should be banned If the world should let me live or rather make me die If I am a woman or a really creepy guy If I should continue If I should resist tear my flesh and sinews and decide not to exist whether I am welcome whether I am shunned whether I'm a genius whether I am dumb How I should be treated whether I can live If there's anything of value in me still to give
3.
Waves are flowing through me I was not unduly criticized and allocated wasted, wrecked and puny Artistry surrounds me poverty ungrounds me save the sorry crying for a man without a bounty Calculating ambulating coursing in my blood Maybe I should take a break I didn't know I could Understanding anything impossible and wrong Feeling through the tethers try to see where I belong Empty of my body Heavy of the mind Can I be intelligent and happy, true and kind? Is the world a wrecker? is this world a port Are the facts of reality what they would purport? Oscillating diagrams power in the skies is it hard to stab me while you look me in the eyes? Terraform the planet alienic world no one understands how I could ever be a girl Suckle out the life-force drain me all away sorry that I have to be alive and also gay
4.
Shambling through Irithyll with half of an HP Eagerly await the day that death will come for me And in the moments just before I'm cracked by human madness A world of love appears to me I know I've never had this With synths and amps and DJ Decks And talk of communism And coffee, eggs and cheese and bread and obvious autism With waxing, waning, laughing, straining, kissing barking girls I think I'm in the safest place in the entire world And on the streets the cishets tell me that I should be beaten And on the news the cishets tell me I'm some kind of demon And in my house a cishet tries to push into my room She's dumb and blind and angry and she's whiter than the moon But somewhere out in Bushwick there's a heaven on the Earth Somewhere where I feel I have at least an ounce of worth Somewhere where I'm not a total faggot fucking freak where I can, for a moment, feel the rest I always seek And I don't know the future and I hardly know the past And I don't know if anything is ever made to last And I don't know if joy is something that God will allow All I know for sure is that I'm very happy now
5.
Life is pretty complicated Life is pretty slow effortlessly meandering I wonder where to go sex is mad ambiguous like mist in humid air elevating, concentrating, knowing when and where piecing it together isn't easy - isn't hard she's the great upsetter but she merely plays her part I'm the great oblivion - the nothing-knowing fool I talked to you for hours and I think you're pretty cool You're the leather jacket clothing blacker than the night I was overwhelmed by such an admirable sight I was worried you'd consider me a fucking freak You walked into the kitchen, saw me, and began to speak I don't really care if we can never meet again I don't really care if you won't even be my friend I don't really mind if I don't even grace your thoughts I'm glad that I had met you rather than if I had not.

about

"'The world is my idea:'—this is a truth which holds good
for everything that lives and knows, though man alone can bring
it into reflective and abstract consciousness. If he really does
this, he has attained to philosophical wisdom. It then becomes
clear and certain to him that what he knows is not a sun and an
earth, but only an eye that sees a sun, a hand that feels an earth;
that the world which surrounds him is there only as idea, i.e.,
only in relation to something else, the consciousness, which is
himself."
- Schopenhauer

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released January 20, 2024

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caatgirl New York, New York

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