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Boys Will Be Girls

by caatgirl

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1.
And Bug has friends and lovers and throws parties and has fun Bug attracts a thousand suitors staying long with none Me I'm just another nameless girl who wants his heart can I maintain this friendship without being torn apart? sometimes he wears makeup and sometimes goes without sometimes we do ketamine and dance and sing and shout Maybe it's not meant to be - it's just my sick projection maybe I'm just taking things the total wrong direction maybe I should seek the isolation I deserve never bother anyone or speak another word
2.
A feeling in the body A bit like I'm on Molly I'm like a PC virus I just want you to install me A trembling a shaking A beast inside awakened I wanna wake the neighbors with the noises we are making A feeling like a fervor you're just my little pervert I'm hungry for the cock and maybe you can be my server A moment of elation The train goes in the station You're pounding on my prostate without any hesitation Is this all a dream? Is this all a fantasy? Will I get the chance to see that there can be a man for me? Will there come a day I under- stand the gentle dance at least? Now I sit and wonder what the hell could be the plan for me Is this all a dream? Could it be reality? Do I have control or is this separate from causality? Do I think this through or is it free from rationality? How to see the power that's about to be allowed to me?
3.
The future is ambiguous A solid empty block Time it shambles forward I just Want it all to stop Close now to collapsing - I get closer every day fear affects my health in an abominable way Bedroom's out of order Heart is out of sorts my heart is like a soldier and my mind is like a fort Awaiting resolution Awaiting confirmation Awaiting execution cause my life's a conflagration Feeling optimistic Feeling so afraid is this realistic? can I just get paid? Feeling so pathetic Feeling so insane things were going well before why can't they be the same galaxies unravel worlds are tossed aside stars are rent asunder as the wormhole opens wide Allocate resources putrefy the land tell me what's the market cap so I can understand After all the ashes have blown away for good after all the humans have done everything they could after all the sunsets after all the tides after all the wreckage that was never a surprise after all the callous coalescence of your wealth after you have shanked mankind with admirable stealth After all the holidays and holocausts and lies maybe it was only right humanity should die
4.
I saw you in the hospital with tubes and blood and doctors reclining and pathetic and confused and sad and awkward I could see that you were pretty scared and overwhelmed the ship of life is sinking and you're no longer at the helm You realized it was me behind my mask and paper apron I'd heard that you might go to sleep - not ever to awaken And I had always been afraid that you would never die You saw me and you held my hand and then began to cry But I don't think that you can see the damage you have done to me I lied and said I loved you and I held your hand uncomfortably No you could not begin to guess the pain of post-traumatic stress the world will be much better off the day that you are put to rest Maybe somewhere deep inside there's still a little love for you But no one made you break my soul and what was I supposed to do? No one made you fuck me up and no one made you kick me out A healthy loving family is just something I don't know about And no one made you make our little home into a hell And no one broke you like you broke me far as I can tell

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released December 23, 2023

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caatgirl New York, New York

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